HANNAH'S SLAVE

Vice Style

For some time now I have been meeting up with strangers who claim to have bizarre fantasies. One evening while sitting in a bar I met a man whose name I later changed to Lucie. Before long, I realized he was unbuttoning his shirt a little more than I was comfortable with. It was hard not to notice that he was wearing a bra and his shirt was actually sheer silk.

I wasn’t disgusted, nor excited, but intrigued. I knew exactly how to respond, “You’re wearing a bra,” I said. “Do you like it?” he asked. I noted how close the fellow customers were before I told him I couldn’t really see it properly and maybe he could undo his shirt a little more.

This is Lucie’s secret, one that he sort of wants to be discovered. This man enjoys women’s clothes. He enjoys the way they look, the way they move, and the way they make him feel. He likes to wear them in public, but not necessarily for everyone to see. Lucy isn’t a tranny or a drag queen—the latter try to express their deal with women’s clothing. Lucie does it secretly—either under his clothes or in private, solely because he enjoys humiliation. See how much here.

You have a girlfriend, right?

Yes, I do. I actually still have the first ever text message she sent me. I was married too; I was working all over the world and it wasn’t an easy or realistic marriage but we always remained friends.

But this thing you have, this fetish for women’s clothing, you don’t think it has anything to do with unhappiness?

No, this all started when I was 14. I had a very happy childhood, so this isn’t connected. Though I do enjoy self-punishment.

Do you feel sexy in women’s clothes?

It’s escapism. I was in a high-flying job when the firm I worked for decided they could get my job done for a lot less, and for months I had to defend myself, dress my best, and it was generally a stressful time. The thought of going home and taking off my tie, shirt, shoes, and changing my character made the whole thing with the job seem silly and unreal.

But why women’s clothing? You could have tried to transform your appearance in any number of ways.

I like soft, feminine materials. At the moment I’m wearing a pair of jeans and a thick cotton sweatshirt, but I do have some very soft pink knickers on underneath.

Do you put that kind of thing on all the time, or are you just wearing it now because you knew you were coming to meet me?

All the time.

How does dressing in women’s underwear make you feel?

Naughty. It’s the thought that for some reason, somehow, someone might find out. Maybe in a changing room or walking out of the bathroom, or if something happened and I had to be taken to the hospital, maybe the nurse would see. Well, to be quite honest, I’m sure they’ve seen it all before. In fact I know they have.

They know? How so?

Well, take eBay. If you look on sites like that you see women’s lingerie advertised as “perfect for him and her” and they further qualify it by saying they cater for all lifestyles. Based on that, I’d say there’s a lot of us doing it.

What style of underwear do you go for?

I like clothes that I feel women of my age might wear. I like polyester, silks, satins, floral, sheer, nets, and frills. I have literally bags and bags of negligees that I have collected over time.

So other than eBay, where do you shop?

I like vintage shops. There are so many, all over London. I do enjoy going into the shops and trying on the dresses, as long as the shop assistant is a woman, but I’m quite happy to shop online. I get a kick out of the actual shopping part too.

You’re definitely straight?

I’m totally straight. I do have a feminine side, which I am quite happy to explore and enjoy, but I have no interest whatsoever in going to bed with a man. I have loads of men in my life; I adore my male friends. We have beers together and watch football together—we do man things, but we don’t do sex.

So you talk about sex with your guy friends?

Yes, we say things like, “Out the window, over your shoulder,” and “Look at the tits on that.”

Do they know about the cross-dressing?

Sort of, but I turn it into a joke. I think they know I cross-dress, but they’ve never seen any evidence. I don’t like it when they try to embarrass me in front of women and warn them to stay away.

If men know about this, does that turn you on?

No, this is a strictly women-only fantasy.

Do you think it excites some women?

There must be women out there who like to dominate men–I’d like one to piss in my mouth, but I don’t think there are women who are turned on by the dresses themselves, no.

And you wear women’s clothes to bed?

No, I sleep naked.

If you were the last person left on the planet, would you still wear women’s clothes or do you do it because they’re forbidden and it’s humiliating?

Women’s underwear is just more comfortable and makes me feel good. Soft things are comforting. When I come and see you, Hannah—at your work or when we go out for dinner—and I wear a skirt, I feel comfortable. Even standing on the street having a cigarette, people don’t seem to notice, but as soon as I’m on my own I feel totally self-conscious.

Is the fetish the self-consciousness or is it the feminine fantasy?

I went to a cross-dressing club in Kings Cross and I changed clothes when I got there. It was full of transvestites who were trying to look like girls. I never try to look like a woman, I just wear women’s clothes. The club wasn’t much fun, so it must be the self-consciousness.

What looks good on girls then?

Those swishy skirts in the summer and the way the fabric moves from side to side—that’s very sexy.

Thanks for dinner, Lucie.

WORDS: HANNAH LOGIC

PHOTOS: BABETTE PAUTHIER